My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
