My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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