Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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