god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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