So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
