I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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