Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
