Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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