just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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