If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
from now on my penis is your penis
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
