I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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