do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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