i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
