I can text with my tongue
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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