i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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