My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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