my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
