ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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