Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
