Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
