I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
