I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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