If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
