Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
