I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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