you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
