I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
