How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
