Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
