Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
