Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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