The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
