I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
