I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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