K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
