There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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