Nicole vs. Life
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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