I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Drunk is not a location!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
