Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
