I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
