I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
