I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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