WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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