today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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