You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
