Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He felt like a one man threesome
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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