i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Text me some of your sweat
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
