some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
