A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i came on her dog
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
