Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
