You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
