I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Life is so much better after having sex.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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