So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
