very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
