Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize