I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
